Called Forth from Adultery December 30, 2009

An Allegiance to Sin

For a few years I have lived my life in selfish allegiance. I pledged commitment to a lifestyle of heartache and heartbreaks. Profession: adulteress. Task: breaking hearts. This was my role for upward of two years. My alibi was a friendly sweetheart who just couldn’t help it that guys fell for her everywhere she went. I had a way about me—something that caused men to notice me. I craved attention, and when guys began to give it to me, I wrapped my rope about them and pulled them in with all my might. I longed to feel longed for. I wanted someone to love me—but I offered anything but real love in return.

True, it was not always my intention to cause men to “fall” for me. Sometimes I was just going about my normal business when one would suddenly become interested. It was when they noticed me however that I quickly went into the mindset of playing my games to see how far I could draw them in before turning my back on them and running away. I feigned surprise when another one would profess love to me and I would have to turn him down—breaking his heart, and damaging my own. It was a pattern repeated again and again. As soon as I broke one heart, there was another man in the picture, and the cycle started all over again. I used my tactics on the men I knew were vulnerable—the ones I knew I could “get” without any problem.

At the time, I did not see myself as the one causing the heartache. I blamed the guys, saying it was their own fault that they fell for one that could not be won. What was I to do about it? Within the last few months however, the Lord has been doing some mighty work in my life. A couple weeks after my move thousands of miles from home, where I was suddenly living away from all that I had previously known, the Lord made it very clear to me that I had been living in gross sin. I had been living a life of adultery while claiming to be walking in the truth. I wrote in my journal: “I had full ability and responsibility to deny those guys long before their hearts ever became engaged and entangled with my deceptive affections. But because my flesh adores the attention, and I long to be needed and loved in someone’s eyes, I stole the love that was in their hearts instead of guarding it… I was irresponsible and have now wasted many opportunities to be a kind sister to these men of God.” I was saddened by this realization, but true repentance did not come until a couple months later. The Lord convicted me that even after He gave me the revelation of my sin, I was still walking in it, instead of turning my back on that life of deceitfulness. Once again He spoke to me, showing me my sin and begging me to turn from it.

Revelation

My mentor at college had made for myself and each member of my cell group name pictures for our doors before we ever arrived at school in August. Each one was different, being inspired by my mentor’s creativity and the Holy Spirit. Within the first few weeks at school, each member of my cell group had told my mentor how much they loved their name picture—how appropriate it was for them, and how it fit who they were. My mentor asked me if I felt the same about mine, but honestly, I saw no connection between my name picture and the person I was or the things I enjoyed. But God had not yet revealed to me what connection to me it held.

Only about a month ago as I was walking into my room at school, my eyes fell on the picture of my name—my name spelled out on stones on the ground—and the Lord gave me clear revelation of the meaning of the picture. In an instant, words and images flashed through my mind, causing me to stop in the middle of the dorm hallway in disbelief. God clearly spoke to me in that moment through the picture. I saw myself standing in front of a crowd of people—alone—and I knew who I was: I was the adulteress (see John eight) brought to Jesus by the scribes and Pharisees who were ready to stone me for my sin. However, Jesus was standing there saying to them, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” And, unable to throw the stones at me because of their own sin, they dropped them in the dust—and there they lay, spelling my name. Jesus then said to me, “I do not condemn you; go and sin no more.” I could hardly believe what had just passed through my mind, but I knew without a doubt that it had been from the Lord and He had a message for me—He was telling me that the life of sin that I had been living was to become a part of my past, and that He was calling me forth from that to enter into something new and better. I was no longer to be defined as an adulteress, because that part of my life was over forever. It had taken over three months for God to reveal to me the meaning of the picture to me, but He had waited to do it until He knew I was ready for sincere repentance.

Crossing Nameless

“Repentance is, in fact, another way of saying that the bad past is to be considered as the starting-point for better things. We bungled the last opportunity; very well. Let us admit that and try to do better with the new one” (Dorothy L. Sayers—Begin Here).

And so I begin again—living a life of newness, abandoning ways of old and stepping forth to be the woman of God my Jesus has created me to be. As Jars of Clay sings: “Missing the me from You You gave to me/I don’t like the one I have created today/Crossing nameless from the one I’ve earned/to be the one, the one You gave to me!” (Overjoyed)

{I’m weak; and I’m poor. I am broken, Lord, but I’m Yours. Hold me now.}

Haphazard Happiness July 13, 2009

Your Personal Catalyst of Happiness

I’m thinking, but I’m not sure what I’m thinking about. There is plenty that could be on my mind right now, and seeing as it’s 12:45am, not much is coming across cohesively. Many, many times in my life, I have wanted to be a person that brings about great change, namely, happiness, in a person’s life. I want to be the instigator, the one who sets their hearts on fire, the one who brings about their wildest dreams. For most of these people, I am never able to accomplish this goal, because I am not the one who is meant to do it for them. I am not the apple of their eye, I am not the fair maiden whom they rescue, I am not the one, despite how often they think I am.

I so wish that I could be that person. For all of these people, I wish that I could be the one who makes them whole. I know that this is really a futile dream, because I am human, and have not the ability to fill the thoroughly vacant gap in someone’s soul for the real happiness and love they desire. However, each time I am presented with an opportunity to be the ‘one,’ I am fully aware that I am not the One and never will be. This knowledge can cause one of two things: 1) depression, that I am unable to fulfill the deepest longings of someone’s heart, or 2) great concern for the more important issue—the whereabouts of their soul and a desire that they find full satisfaction in the One who created them to be known and satisfied: our colorful Creator, the Lord Jesus Christ.

A Greater Commission

When I think about my position and what I can do to help these friends, these loved ones of God, my greatest, deepest, most penetrating desire is that they walk in the fullness and abundance of life that Jesus Christ offers. And if I am given the opportunity to be used as an instrument on the journey of one of these loved ones, may I remember my most important commission and consider that as of greater significance than the short-lived happiness found on earth with all, but without Christ.

In Short Supply? June 8, 2009

It is easy to say, in our eager search and anticipatory wait for the perfect man, that good guys are hard to find. This has been a claim that I have often held fast to: good guys are in short supply; it’s a hopeless search for one. However, I have come to find more recently that there really are more competent young men out there than we give credit for. When we open our eyes to see how the Lord is working in young men around us we may just be amazed. This doesn’t mean that every young man will be right for us—this is far from the case—but it is important to realize that there are young men out there who are seeking Godly women for wives, just as we are seeking Godly men. So the next question is, are Godly women in short supply?

Let us not think that since there are men to be had that they are just waiting for us to fall in their arms. There is a catch: we, as ladies, have to be preparing ourselves for them—keeping ourselves pure, making sure that we are the kind of women that these men as followers of God need. This is a thought that has convicted me before and has done so again recently. I have very, very high standards for the man I someday want to marry. Top of the list is that he loves the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. After that the list goes on for about 40 more qualities. Needless to say, I’ve not yet been successful in finding a guy that fits the description. It’s easy to spend time looking for Mr. Perfect-with-everything-I-want-in-a-guy, but let us not forget that these guys will more than likely have lists of their own, with qualities they are searching for in their girl. If we want to find kings, we have to be queens.

Take this as an encouragement to continually be aiming for the same qualities in your own life as those you hope to find in Prince Charming. If you have high standards for your man, be a woman of high standards. Expect that he will be searching for a woman of high standards as well, because I can almost guarantee you he will be.

Stories May 21, 2009

Presently, in the wake of crazy, and unexpected redirections, I have been tempted to panic. Tempted to think, and believe that I was the only one dealing with such utter chaos. Tempted to think that no one else could possibly understand what I was dealing with, no one could understand my frustrations, my fears, my anger, or my confusion and sense of plain foolishness. 

These temptations knock on a familiar door in a familiar tune. For much of my life, I have related to the circumstances of life in a way that blocked other people out. I have been convinced that no one would ever understand my story and that I was the only one with such an experience. It wasn’t until this last year that I learned the power of community, testimony, and sharing one another’s burdens. 

Something happens when we keep our stories inside. It is as though a part of our freedom or healing and ability to move on is hindered when we do not make a habit of sharing our testimony. Perhaps so few of us share our testimonies because we don’t really see the point? Yep. That was my problem. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me, I didn’t want to lose friends, and I didn’t think my problems were that big of a deal anyway. But the reality is that no matter how small the problem, a testimony is an opportunity for us to talk about and celebrate the goodness and faithfulness of God and how He has brought you so far. It is an opportunity for others to see the radiance of God’s presence in the darkness of life’s events. 

In revelations, John wrote about the power of the martyrs, and how they overcame the devil by the word of their testimony. This is huge. This means that by our silence, we do not give God glory and any time we fail to give God glory, we give the enemy victory. The vulnerability and stutters, the tears, the doubts, the worry that comes along with sharing our stories are a small price for stripping this victory from the enemy and giving glory to God. 

Not only do testimonies and our stories glorify God, but they liberate us from having to share these life experiences and burdens alone. God has given us Christian community as a place to find love, encouragement, grace, and holy challenge to growth. Do not rob yourself from the balms of community by closing yourself in and shutting others out. 

I have had many life changes. My story is a little crazy. And it’s not getting less crazy. But this time around, I am not panicked by the reality that there is no one to talk to, no one to help me through this struggle. I have community a phone call away, a coffee date away, an email away. And in those conversations and phone calls, I find the radiance and love of Christ. His strength, His Grace, my victory.

“They overcame him (satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Rev. 12:11

Silent Answers April 7, 2009

A Somber Definition

Three weeks ago if I had been asked to define my emotional state in two words I would have probably given the answer “somber and joyless.” Sounds depressing, and to be honest I was a bit depressed. I was going through some very difficult things—yearning to have things that I knew I couldn’t, and when they were taken from me I kicked and screamed, unable to let them go.

Anger

I was angry with God. That was a new one for me. In my almost twenty years of life I had never really been angry with God before, but when this happened I was. I’m not sure why, but I guess I was so desirous of having control that when all control was stripped of me I was devastated.Part of my anger with God was spurred by the fact that I had important questions for God, and most of them started with the word “why…?” I was unable to accept that God might do things without giving me direct answers to my heart’s burning questions. I was angry at Him for His silence. I thought I deserved answers, and when I didn’t get them, I sunk into a deep well of self-pity and joylessness. My heart couldn’t understand why God would choose to be so quiet.

As young people we are often told that older people have wisdom, yet often we ignore the springs of knowledge by experience that are found in our parents, teachers, and adult friends. On one occasion during my “dark days” I unintentionally happened upon one of these wise elders, who happened to be my own mother. Now, my mom is by no means old—but she is wise and discerning. Without me even telling her what was dragging me down she gave me the exact advice I needed to hear. She told me that often, instead of seeking God and God alone, we get too caught up in seeking answers to the point that they become idols to us. That struck me hard. That was exactly what I had done—I had been seeking answers to my questions instead of being ok with the silence of God and seeking His face and a deeper walk with Him. Oops.

And in the Silence Comes….

From that point I asked God’s forgiveness and started on a fresh journey, accepting the quietness of God and seeking His face. In time, over the past few weeks, I have been able to finally receive answers to some of my questions, but they didn’t come by God showing up in a burning bush or writing on the wall. They came through the silence, in unspoken ways that quietly unfolded before my eyes until I could see the big picture.

Do I know why God chose to answer my questions with silence? No. Have I learned a great deal from His silence? Yes. Hope isn’t always in the answers we want, but in the process of learning how to trust.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

Vision of the Unseen March 23, 2009

How can you recognize something you’ve never seen before? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
Not really.
Many times we base our knowledge or our ability to know based only on the empirical. Meaning that we believe we know something when it makes sense to our immediate senses.

But perhaps there is more to knowing than touch, taste, smell, or even feeling?

Perhaps we know something also in our spirit. What I mean is that there is an element to knowledge that happens on the inside. Call it instinct, call it your guts, or call it God’s leading.

I worry that I might miss him. I worry that I may have already missed him. I worry that I won’t know how not to miss him. I worry that I won’t know it is him. But worrying is a terrible idea. Especially in regards to him who the Lord will bring us. I am confident that we will know, not only in the sense of the physical, but also deep inside, beyond the heart, beyond the feelings, beyond the raging, fretting voices in our minds.

Will this happen instantly? Who knows? I think it might take a while for some of us, others have known the minute they saw the person. But don’t worry about it.

The more important thing to worry about is your ability to discern the Lord’s voice. Have you sensed Him leading you in other areas, and have you listened? Have you become familiar with His call, with His guidance in regards to a friendship, a character trait you might need to change, or even college decisions?

It is easy to let God’s voice become drowned out by everything other voice around us. But we want God to send us an email when the right guy walks into our lives. This is not the case. You must develop the skill of listening and recognizing God’s voice in all areas of your life.

Ask God to open the eyes of your heart so that you can see Him. Ask Him to open the ears of your heart so you can hear Him. Ask Him to give you understanding, ask Him to speak over you. And learn to recognize His voice.

Learn to listen.

Fighting for Him December 19, 2008

It’s been a very long time since I honestly liked a guy. Sure, I’ve been attracted; I’ve admired; I’ve secretly thought of in the times that I’ve been alone and lost in my imagination. But it has been over a year since I could really say that I genuinely liked someone. And that’s ok; there is nothing wrong with that. My heart was devastated by the last guy who enraptured my attention and my love. Perhaps that is one reason that I haven’t dared give it away again. This I know—it’s not the right time. That last guy wasn’t the right one, but neither have been the many guys who have tried to win my heart recently. It has been a great struggle for me over the last few months.

Happy?

This year I set records. I turned down more guys in the past 8 months than I ever wanted to do in a lifetime. I am not proud of that fact. It has been distressing and so wearying for me. I have been inundated with offers from guys who have lots of things going for them—their status in life, their job, their relationship with God, their looks…haha. Good things, and yet I can’t say yes to them. I know I can’t because they aren’t right—they aren’t my prince. I hate disappointing guys, but as I turned down one after another I came to find a trend in myself. If there is one thing that would cause me to want to say yes to these guys it is this: I want to make them happy. I yearn to fulfill their desires and yet I know I can’t.

Fighting

There is a great new band called Joel & Luke (check them out!) that sings a song about waiting for one’s true love—the one who will be perfect for them; for us ladies, it is the prince that we are waiting for. Of course, since these are guys, they sing about finding their girl, but the concept is the same. In this song they say, “I’m tired of fighting battles I may never win—but I fight for you.”

This is definitely a battle. I am fighting the inner desires of myself to give in to these guys who appear so sweet, so loving, and claim to love me. I want to make them happy (of course, when you think about it logically, I can’t make all of them happy if I’m really going to be solely theirs—but somehow I feel this way about all of them…huh). But the point is, I’m not giving in to these desires, I’m still fighting because I believe that there is one out there for me and I am fighting for him. I’m not giving in to these emotions, to these desires to please someone else who I really will never be able to please, because I am holding onto a hope that will not die—I’m hoping for him: my prince, my rescuer, the one who will love me and I will love; the one whom I will not just want to be with forever just to make him happy—but the one that I will truly love. He will be the one that I will be able to give everything to, because I am keeping all that I can for him. “And what I’m worth is so much more for that someday.”

In that same song, Joel and Luke sing “Nothing’s gonna bring me down—I’m looking at my world in a new light. Nothing’s gonna bring me down—I’m dreaming of this world with a whole new light. And tonight it’s bright.” Tonight, my world is bright because I have a hope. I have a hope that won’t dissipate, because I know my prince is out there, and I am willing to continue to fight these battles until he comes. I’m not giving up because I want to be the star that lights up his sky. So I’ll keep that hope alive. It’s all I can do.

The Art of Nothing December 10, 2008

There are a million words at the tip of my tongue waiting just to spill over and flood the room.

Blink.

Now there are none.

Sigh. This will be painfully honest. I have rare moments in life where I catch myself wanting to make something happen. I would like to think that I absolutely never think about what if or could it be? But I would just be fooling myself.

Once in a while a Mr. Could Be swings around and there are moments where I just want to start a conversation, go for a walk, tell funny stories. But I realize it’s all futile. Because it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I can try to start up for myself. Sometimes, the greatest thing I can do is absolutely nothing. I can stop trying to set up my own life, my own romance.

In a society where romance and relationships are nothing short of desperate survival, it is a crazy thought that we should relax and enjoy life, taking no thought for all of the romantic details. I admit, it is not easy for me. I deal with anxiety in many areas of life, and this is definetly one of those areas. But each time I’m tempted to start a conversation for the sake of orchestrating my own story, I realize the heaviness, the worry, and the anxiety that burdens me down within moments.

Christ called us to be free, and this means free to take no thought. This means He called us to be free to trust Him, trust that He’ll take care of the details. Does this mean we never start a conversation? No, it means, we speak, but we are no longer are driven by the need to write our own story. We speak freely, live freely, laugh freely. Because we recognize that ultimately, God truly is in control, and when that’s the case, nothing is the best thing we could ever do.

Worth it All November 22, 2008

There are a few people in my life that have touched me very deeply, forever changing the way I view life and the path God is leading me on. These people are few and far between, and those that are brought into my life I know are done so by divine appointment. I call them my heroes. One such person is my dear friend Cambie. I have only known her a few years, but in that time she has come to be like an older sister to me, and the dearest, sweetest friend. I turn to her for encouragement and advice, and the Lord always speaks through her exactly what I need to hear. She is a Godsend.

Cambie now serves with her husband Greg in Kenya, Africa as a missionary working primarily with youth. Below is her story. It is one of pain, learning from experience, and overcoming obstacles—but ultimately one of victory. She waited, she hoped, and she was rewarded. It goes like this:

It’s Worth it

There I stood in my wedding dress, looking out the window at the man I would soon be united with for life. This was a man I had waited a very, very long time for. WAIT, a four letter word no one really likes to hear, and is even harder to obey. Yet when we don’t wait, we just end up worse off then we started. I am telling part of my story today as a testimony that it is worth the wait. It is possible, but it is not easy. It is actually easier to quit and give up but it is never worth it. I have had my share of relationships, most of which I could have done without. Though they were not God’s desire for me, He was able to use them as tools in my life to help mold me in who I am today.

My Own Idea of Perfect

My first real relationship was when I was 22 years old. We started off as friends and grew to care for each other from there. We were both active in our church. As our relationship progressed so did our passions and desires for each other. This is all a natural process built by God, but in the wrong setting can be very dangerous. Instead of surrounding ourselves with people who would keep us accountable we put ourselves in dangerous situations; yet with each situation God always provided a way of escape and I was quick to take it. I learned that when you truly love someone with your emotions it is hard to wait, yet when you truly love someone with your heart and the love of God, you want to wait. I found that my emotions wanted to control me, and if I was not careful they would win. As God seemed to fade from our relationship so did our morals. Yet in my heart I was convinced that I had to be strong and because of that our relationship ended. I found I was not willing to give up myself and he wasn’t willing to commit to a marriage. It ended in severe heartache and extreme weight loss for me. Wonderings of why I was holding on to my virginity so tight and doubts of if it was really worth it clouded my mind. I began to believe the lies that my standards were too high. I began to allow myself to date those who were not God quality men. And without fail God allowed me to be harassed by my conscience until I ended the relationships. I found myself alone, without friends, yet I was right where God wanted me.

Trading True Love for Something Less

God and I began to meet regularly again and I was reminded of who the number one man should be in my life. I enjoyed several years of just me and God and my life as a single woman. My walk with God was great, I was in love with HIM and nothing could shake me. And that is when the tests began again. God allowed different relationships to come into my life to see if I truly believed and lived as though God was the love of my life. Some tests I passed but when the thought of feeling special to someone and finding that someone found me attractive, I began to follow old patterns. Once again I found more turns that involved heartache. I remember pounding my head and crying; why couldn’t I just learn?

Letting Go of My Way

In November of 2004 I began a new job. I was through with guys, the heartache and the lies. I was tired of finding myself in relationships that I shouldn’t be. I sat down and made a list of what I wanted in a husband. It was a small list I had always carried in my head but finally put it down on paper. I went over the list and asked God if I had missed my chance. He had spoken to me when I was 25 years old and let me know that I would meet my husband soon and it would be at my job. At that time I was working with youth and was excited that I would have the same ministry as my husband, but I also questioned God’s timing. Did He mean my “soon” or his “soon”; because my soon was the next day and his would be five years from then. Here I was now 29 and still single. But as I was beginning a new job I was also feeling like I was beginning a new life. I felt alive and I knew that I would be ok. I was still carrying the rare beautiful gift of virginity I had fought hard keep. One day I would be able to give to my husband. I remember talking to God all during my new job. I had finally given him the single part of my life. I had come to believe and not just know that I could survive without a husband but without God I would be lost. I had accepted that it would be just God and me for the rest of my life, and I was completely satisfied with that. I told God that if he had a husband for me I wanted Him to make it happen. I was done putting my hands in it and messing it up.

The Reward

So there I was at my job and that is where I met my husband. Greg and I didn’t start out as friends and God had more lessons for me to learn. But it was only a matter of time that God revealed his will for us. Greg and I were married in March of 2007. As I was packing up getting ready to come to Africa as a missionary I found my list and goose bumps rose and I found that everything I had written down was fulfilled by God in Greg; down to the beautiful eyes my husband has. God gave me the desires of my heart, plus a whole lot more. God made me complete when I accepted Him but He also gave me a great bonus and blessing by giving me my husband. I can tell you that marriage and sex are both worth waiting for. I can’t imagine sharing the bond I have with my husband with other men. Marriage isn’t easy or a fix it all, or even a happily ever after story. It is hard work but worth it all, and is much better than a fantasy. God has blessed me and I have no regrets that I waited.

Best Friend… November 2, 2008

I’ve missed being here and I’ve wanted to write, but for a moment, I allowed the chaos of the world around me to drown my purpose. My peace and joy was choked by an overwhelming feeling of being lost. Life post college graduation has not been what I expected. I anticipated a smooth transition to medical school, a year off to relax and rejuvenate from the rigor of the Exercise Sciences major. I anticipated time to commune with God with no distractions.

Yet, I was immediately faced with financial woes. I spent the remainder of my summer vacation working three part-time jobs and living paycheck to paycheck. A blessing came, in the form of my employment as a high school Chemistry teacher for the 2008-2009 school year, but with that blessing also came a burden. Over 100 students, all of whom I am responsible for and no prior experience with teaching. Tutoring is one thing, but it means something entirely different to create lesson plans and to deal with 100+ personalities, religious beliefs, and study habits. I found the work initially draining and this was met with yet another blow- my medical college admissions test scores were unacceptable.

I was devastated, to say the least, and I almost felt like giving up on everything. Then, God spoke to me and I realized that my faith mustn’t be built upon the circumstances in life, but the unchanging, unwavering faithfulness of God! Through all of the pessimistic thoughts and complaints, God was there, nudging at my side, reminding me that He is still in CONTROL. I stepped back and remembered that I shouldn’t be the one in the driver’s seat. That place belongs to God and He only.

Now, I have a new found peace. I’m learning to enjoy teaching while waiting for the career of my dreams. Even in the face of dreams, more and more, my prayers revolve around the will of God being fulfilled in my life. No longer do I seek one avenue as the way to happiness. No longer is my happiness contigent upon the favorability of my surroundings. I now have joy- the joy that only God can render. The joy and peace that surpasses all understanding. With this joy comes a renewal of my relationship with God as well. I am reminded of why I walk this narrow way- not that its easier (it’s not), but because its just. It’s the right way.

I encourage you to realize that life will bring many unexpected things! There are so many things that we can’t control, but we can control one thing: our faith and trust in God! We can decide to look to God and rely entirely on Him even in hard times! We can control how we choose to deal with hardships. I encourage you to turn to God! Look to Him! In every task, whether it be school, relationships, employment, or dreams for the future, learn that Jesus is truly your BEST FRIEND.