A Somber Definition
Three weeks ago if I had been asked to define my emotional state in two words I would have probably given the answer “somber and joyless.” Sounds depressing, and to be honest I was a bit depressed. I was going through some very difficult things—yearning to have things that I knew I couldn’t, and when they were taken from me I kicked and screamed, unable to let them go.
Anger
I was angry with God. That was a new one for me. In my almost twenty years of life I had never really been angry with God before, but when this happened I was. I’m not sure why, but I guess I was so desirous of having control that when all control was stripped of me I was devastated.Part of my anger with God was spurred by the fact that I had important questions for God, and most of them started with the word “why…?” I was unable to accept that God might do things without giving me direct answers to my heart’s burning questions. I was angry at Him for His silence. I thought I deserved answers, and when I didn’t get them, I sunk into a deep well of self-pity and joylessness. My heart couldn’t understand why God would choose to be so quiet.
As young people we are often told that older people have wisdom, yet often we ignore the springs of knowledge by experience that are found in our parents, teachers, and adult friends. On one occasion during my “dark days” I unintentionally happened upon one of these wise elders, who happened to be my own mother. Now, my mom is by no means old—but she is wise and discerning. Without me even telling her what was dragging me down she gave me the exact advice I needed to hear. She told me that often, instead of seeking God and God alone, we get too caught up in seeking answers to the point that they become idols to us. That struck me hard. That was exactly what I had done—I had been seeking answers to my questions instead of being ok with the silence of God and seeking His face and a deeper walk with Him. Oops.
And in the Silence Comes….
From that point I asked God’s forgiveness and started on a fresh journey, accepting the quietness of God and seeking His face. In time, over the past few weeks, I have been able to finally receive answers to some of my questions, but they didn’t come by God showing up in a burning bush or writing on the wall. They came through the silence, in unspoken ways that quietly unfolded before my eyes until I could see the big picture.
Do I know why God chose to answer my questions with silence? No. Have I learned a great deal from His silence? Yes. Hope isn’t always in the answers we want, but in the process of learning how to trust.
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23
