Haphazard Happiness July 13, 2009

Your Personal Catalyst of Happiness

I’m thinking, but I’m not sure what I’m thinking about. There is plenty that could be on my mind right now, and seeing as it’s 12:45am, not much is coming across cohesively. Many, many times in my life, I have wanted to be a person that brings about great change, namely, happiness, in a person’s life. I want to be the instigator, the one who sets their hearts on fire, the one who brings about their wildest dreams. For most of these people, I am never able to accomplish this goal, because I am not the one who is meant to do it for them. I am not the apple of their eye, I am not the fair maiden whom they rescue, I am not the one, despite how often they think I am.

I so wish that I could be that person. For all of these people, I wish that I could be the one who makes them whole. I know that this is really a futile dream, because I am human, and have not the ability to fill the thoroughly vacant gap in someone’s soul for the real happiness and love they desire. However, each time I am presented with an opportunity to be the ‘one,’ I am fully aware that I am not the One and never will be. This knowledge can cause one of two things: 1) depression, that I am unable to fulfill the deepest longings of someone’s heart, or 2) great concern for the more important issue—the whereabouts of their soul and a desire that they find full satisfaction in the One who created them to be known and satisfied: our colorful Creator, the Lord Jesus Christ.

A Greater Commission

When I think about my position and what I can do to help these friends, these loved ones of God, my greatest, deepest, most penetrating desire is that they walk in the fullness and abundance of life that Jesus Christ offers. And if I am given the opportunity to be used as an instrument on the journey of one of these loved ones, may I remember my most important commission and consider that as of greater significance than the short-lived happiness found on earth with all, but without Christ.

Silent Answers April 7, 2009

A Somber Definition

Three weeks ago if I had been asked to define my emotional state in two words I would have probably given the answer “somber and joyless.” Sounds depressing, and to be honest I was a bit depressed. I was going through some very difficult things—yearning to have things that I knew I couldn’t, and when they were taken from me I kicked and screamed, unable to let them go.

Anger

I was angry with God. That was a new one for me. In my almost twenty years of life I had never really been angry with God before, but when this happened I was. I’m not sure why, but I guess I was so desirous of having control that when all control was stripped of me I was devastated.Part of my anger with God was spurred by the fact that I had important questions for God, and most of them started with the word “why…?” I was unable to accept that God might do things without giving me direct answers to my heart’s burning questions. I was angry at Him for His silence. I thought I deserved answers, and when I didn’t get them, I sunk into a deep well of self-pity and joylessness. My heart couldn’t understand why God would choose to be so quiet.

As young people we are often told that older people have wisdom, yet often we ignore the springs of knowledge by experience that are found in our parents, teachers, and adult friends. On one occasion during my “dark days” I unintentionally happened upon one of these wise elders, who happened to be my own mother. Now, my mom is by no means old—but she is wise and discerning. Without me even telling her what was dragging me down she gave me the exact advice I needed to hear. She told me that often, instead of seeking God and God alone, we get too caught up in seeking answers to the point that they become idols to us. That struck me hard. That was exactly what I had done—I had been seeking answers to my questions instead of being ok with the silence of God and seeking His face and a deeper walk with Him. Oops.

And in the Silence Comes….

From that point I asked God’s forgiveness and started on a fresh journey, accepting the quietness of God and seeking His face. In time, over the past few weeks, I have been able to finally receive answers to some of my questions, but they didn’t come by God showing up in a burning bush or writing on the wall. They came through the silence, in unspoken ways that quietly unfolded before my eyes until I could see the big picture.

Do I know why God chose to answer my questions with silence? No. Have I learned a great deal from His silence? Yes. Hope isn’t always in the answers we want, but in the process of learning how to trust.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

Talking to God: Silence October 31, 2008

Do you have questions?

Lately, I have had a lot of questions for God. God, does it seem as though you’re not fulfilling your promises? God, why do people hate you so much? God, have you forgotten about my hopes and dreams? God, are you listening? Many times, talking to God means that I talk and there is silence on the other end. I ask question after question only to receive no answers. My natural instinct is to become angry with God and question if He is who the Bible claims Him to be. Does He really care about me? Does He hear me? If so, we does He ignore me? These questions were consuming my thoughts and troubling me. I was worried that the relationship I had had with God was quickly diminishing. I was angry with myself for questioning God, but I couldn’t seem to let go of all my questions and just trust God.

He Has Answers

I was hanging out with some friends one night, and we were talking about our relationships with God. I shared that I had been having a lot of questions for God lately. One of my friends told me that God ALLOWS us to have questions because it draws us closer to Him. I had never thought of it that way! God allows me to question Him? The whole time I had been thinking that my questions were pulling me away from God when they were actually drawing me close to Him. While I still have unanswered questions, I realize that even in my questioning I can still be close to God. He doesn’t have to prove His love for me by answering my questions. Rather He answers them or not, He still loves me, and He still deserves my love.

Once Upon a Time… October 19, 2008

My friend and I were talking about childhood and our love of childhood story books. I remember story books. They were some of the most amazing things from my childhood. I loved the colors and the adventures, the characters and most of all the story. I dreamed of the places of my stories. New York City streets or a country side. Or a forest. Or a large, beautiful mansion. 

“Once upon a time…” is the classic line, and it takes us back to childhood, to this place of worry-free living, where we mastered the art of living in the moment and didn’t over-analyze our future or our outfit for the next day. Stories bring us back to the moments where we drifted from moment by moment without a care in the world because we had confidence that every day would take care of itself. 

Some friends and I have been talking about stories. I realize that God is writing our stories. Think about it: Your life is a story that God is writing. That means that God knows the events of your life, the tough situations, the hard lessons, and the happy moments. As long as you trust Him, your life will unfold in His perfect plan. Thinking of life this way-as a story-changes things. It means that your biggest concern is not trying to figure your life out, its discovering God and trusting that He has a plan and a future for you. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

Jeremiah 29:11

A lady I met the other day said “Desire to know the One who knows more than you desire the known.” I believe that should be the heartbeat of every single day. Not trying to know everything so much, but desiring to know God in relationship, because He is the only one who really knows the story of our life. 

It is so exciting to realize God is putting together a story for us. He’s even writing the stories of our romance, and He is guiding us along His plan.

Let’s return to the days of our childhood when we danced in the sunlight just because and we learned to let go of everything we didn’t know. Return to trust. Return to simple childlike relationship and let God lead you to happily ever after.

Talking to God: Prayer September 23, 2008

What is prayer?

Many times prayer is thought of as something that can only be done at a church and must be conducted in a serious fashion. In actuality, prayer can be done anywhere and it does not have to be serious. Yes, we do fear God, but we also have a relationship with God. He’s our friend, our father, our counselor. The Bible says to bodly approach God’s throne and to ask for what we have need of. Prayer shouldn’t be something that’s scary or spooky. It should be fun and exciting! Prayer is simply talking to God. Letting Him know your thoughts, anxieties, hopes, disappointments. He wants to know it all. The more you pray, the easier it will become. The closer your relationship with God becomes, the more you will feel comfortable talking to Him. Prayer shouldn’t be something that you dread or something that you feel obligated to do. It should be something that you can’t wait to do because you can’t wait to spend time with your friend. Prayer is not complex. It’s simple; all you have to do is talk and listen. Prayer is similar to having a conversation. Somedays your prayers may be more intense than others (depending on what you praying about), but it’s the same with your conversations. Not all conversations are the same, and not all prayers are the same.

When should I pray?

You can pray anytime! Prayer isn’t confined to a certain time of the day. Some people like to pray first thing in the morning, but if you’re not a morning person, then choose another time. Choose a time when  you’re the most awake. You can also pray all throughout the day. You don’t have to have a specific time. Sometimes it helps you concentrate a little more when you completely devote time to prayer, but there are days when you may not have the time to solely devote to prayer. Car rides are a great time for prayer. While you’re driving (don’t close your eyes ) or while you’re riding, you can pray. Remember, praying is really just talking to God. If you’re walking to class or walking through the mall, you can pray. God is always listening!

Why should I pray?

It’s hard to define how important prayer is because it has so many purposes. One major purpose is because you have things you need God to do in your life. Maybe a close friend is struggling with something. You can pray and ask God to come to your friend and give him or her wisdom or comfort or whatever he or she needs. Maybe your car just broke and you need a way to get around. You can pray and ask God to provide for you. One purpose of prayer is to answer needs. Another purpose is friendship. The more you talk to God the more your friendship with Him will grow. It’s hard to be friends with someone you never communicate with. God wants to talk to you! In fact, He’s patiently waiting for the time when you will come talk to Him. The last reason that prayer is so important is because it increases your faith. God rarely shows Himself visibly, so you have to have faith to believe in Him. Sometimes when you pray you don’t feel like He’s listening to you. That’s when faith kicks in! All prayers aren’t always perfect or exciting just like all conversations aren’t perfect or exciting. But the more you pray, the more your faith will grow and the bigger God will become! So try praying and see what happens! You’ll love it. I promise.

Let’s Tango September 23, 2008

Having a relationship with God is something that never grows old. The minute I think I’ve learned something, God shows me something new and amazing that He wants me to learn.

So lately, I’ve been thinking and I’m realizing that a lot about the way I relate to God is based on this idea in my head that He’s waiting for me to somehow “become” this good Christian. As a result, I have spent so much time trying to be this perfect person. Then I realized how this changed the way I viewed God. Instead of walking with me and molding me along the way, I was viewing God as a distant idea waiting for me to make it to the top of the mountain before we engaged relationally. In other words, God was waiting for me to measure up. 

The point is that this idea of measuring up made me spend so much time trying to cause the change in myself that only God can cause. In other words, if I really was focusing on being kinder, instead of asking God to help mold me in this way, I was spending so much energy trying to just BE kinder. I was taking the lead on my own transformation. 

Imagine relationship with God like a dance. God is here with you now, He is not waiting at the top of the mountain just to give you another task or another way to become “perfect.” He’s not waiting for you to measure up before He interacts with you. God is right next to you, holding you, and waiting for you to relax, and let Him take the lead. Let Him take the lead on the person you are. Allow Him to be the captain of your transformation. We all want to change in some way, we all want to be better, stronger, braver, wiser, but we cannot really MAKE ourselves into this way. 

David wrote and asked God to create in Him a clean heart. In other words, He was saying that the clean heart and the better person that David wanted to be was something that God had to do completely. David realized he could do nothing on his own. He couldn’t clean his own heart.

In the same way, let go of your own effort.

Relax, and learn to sway. 

Let’s tango.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait……Right? August 24, 2008

Oh God! I want to scream. How can it be that something so seemingly good just isn’t?

This is my heart’s cry right now. It’s a cry that I have felt over the years but am feeling very acutely now and in recent days. What happens when you’ve been waiting all your life for a good thing—and when it comes along you can’t have it? It isn’t yours for the taking and you know it. And it pains you. You want so badly to be able to reach out and grasp it because it is right there for the taking, and yet you know you can’t.

Ah! Such is my life.

I’ve Got My Heart

“Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it? Or did you trade it for something, somewhere, better just to have it?” (One Republic) I’m still clutching my heart, not afraid to let it go, but unwilling to let it go to the wrong thing. Do you ever feel like you have given up on something really great so that you can have possession of your heart? This is me. I have recently come into contact with something really good. It’s first-class, I assure you. In fact it’s almost too good. I know it’s not perfect, because I’ve seen flaws. Nevertheless, I have seen that it is fine. And oh! I want to grab it. In this world that tells us to be rash and not wait around because if you blink it might be gone, I’ve wanted to wrap my hands around it and claim it as mine so as not to let it out of my sight and lose it. But I can’t. There is something within me that cautions me not to. Not because I think it is a trap or it might turn out to be something different than anticipated. No. It’s good, to the core. But it’s not mine.

Lacking in Nothing

During times like these I hold onto a phrase from the Word of God that empowers me to close my eyes to “good” things and wait a little longer. “Those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.” (Psalm 34:10) What’s this mean to me? This means that despite the wonderfulness of this particular thing, it is not good for me. It might be the best thing I’ve ever encountered, and yet unless God gives it to me, I must trust that for me, it is not a good thing.

Oh, but it just seems like good things are passing me by! Do I really have to sit on the sidelines and watch, knowing in my heart that if it were good for me, it would be mine? Can I trust that my Jesus has something so much better, if only I’ll hold on? Could it be that although it’s good, it’s not good enough? I don’t mean to discount anything here, because I am recognizing that this is an exceptional creation, a marvelous work of art. And I’ve been waiting for it so long, but it just cannot belong to my aching heart. And it is so hard to accept that.

I’m clinging to a future I’m not allowed to know.

Talking to God: Conversation August 16, 2008

It’s Very Simple

There are many days when I talk to God several times throughout the day. The stresses of life become overwhelming and talking to God helps me release the stress. I don’t always talk to Him about deep or serious things. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I ask Him for help, and sometimes I simply tell Him how much I love Him. God is more concerned with me actually talking to Him than He is with what I talk to Him about. He just wants to hear from me.

 

OPEN YOUR MOUTH

The hardest part of talking to God is opening your mouth. Once you finally start, it’s easy. A lot of times I think that I can only talk to God about “spirtual” thiongs, but God wants to hear about every detail of my life! I don’t have to try to impress God with eloquent speech; I just have to be honest and share my heart. He loves hearing from His children. He wants to know how our morning went, how we handled the traffic on the way to work or school, and how we dealt with a hectic day. He always had words of advice, encouragement, correction, and love. Sometimes it’s hard to believe, but He LOVES talking to us. Many times He’ll wait for us to be the initiators. He could start the conversation everytime, but He wants to know that we want to talk to Him as much as He wants to talk to us. Try talking to Him and you’ll be amazed at how wonderful it is!

Reflecting on Friendships… August 8, 2008

Unforgettable 

We are truly relational creatures and our lives are often centered heavily around the bonds we form with others. I can so fondly remember my high school years, all of the circles of friends I had and the ways that people separated, almost as if there were social classes within one school. Being the person that I was, I belonged to each of the social groups, and just as each of my peers, I valued my friendships above anything else in my life. I had a group of friends for every need: the mall, movies, slumber party friends, girl talk friends, those that I studied with and those few, unique individuals that I shared my entire life with! It would have seemed as if during school and after school in extra-curricular activities would have been enough, but we insisted on talking on the phone into the late hours of the night! It was truly an unforgettable time in my  life.

Painful Discovery

As time went on and I graduated from high school, many of the friendships I once based my entire social life and decision making upon dissipated, and I was forced to make new friends and learn to spend more time alone. At first, I was devastated! How could I trust anyone other than my “BFF”…or even think of not having closest friends wrapped around me like some sort of a security blanket. But, soon, as I began spending more and more time alone, I discovered the most valuable relationship I could ever experience!

We often refer to our relationship with God when talking others. We say things like, “God knows my heart”, or “we have an understanding”, but do we truly have a thriving relationship with a living, all-powerful God? If we do, is this reflected in the way that we live our everday lives? What makes up a relationship with God? Is it prayer? What is prayer exactly?

No More Genies

The issue of relationships is simple, yet so complex in nature that we often don’t take the time to truly get to know God for who He is. We often limit Him and place Him in a tiny box, as if He’s some sort of magical genie that we consult when we have problems. We can have an abundant life that is based completely on knowing our Creator-truly the best friend that we can imagine. Come with me, as we journey towards knowing God on a deeper level and understanding what He expects from our relationships with others here on earth.

When Nothing Satisfies, Hold My Hand July 31, 2008

It’s at moments like this when I smile at my silly self and wonder if I’m really as two-faced as I seem to be. Perhaps two-faced isn’t the right expression—capricious is more like it. I can never seem to make up my mind when it comes to waiting in patience for Mr. Right to come along. Here’s how it goes:

Undeniably Single

Four weeks ago I told him no. I vetoed his desires and my own hopes according to what I believed God was telling me to do. It wasn’t easy. I cried intermittently between familial greetings, cookouts, and fireworks (it was the 4^th of July) for the rest of the day. In the end though I was relieved—calm and reassured that what had taken place earlier that day was indeed what had to happen and that I was undeniably single and supposed to be that way.

And I was happy. Single and happy! That’s how it’s been my whole life—it’s not like I can’t wait a little longer, right? Life is easier when guys aren’t constantly at my doorstep. They take up time, they cause reason for unneeded worry, and they are most definitely a distraction from things that need to get done! I prefer the simple life and it makes sense then that I have one without a guy.

No More Looking Back

So, it’s been four weeks and today I found myself “looking back on old love, or lack thereof” (as John Mayer sings). And what did I end up doing? Wishing for that love to be back! Wishing that I wasn’t alone and single and vulnerable and wanting someone to walk beside me and hold my hand and wrap his arms around me in protection. *Big sigh escapes at this point.* An old familiar emptiness crept in and I let it settle into my heart. I closed my eyes in reverie and thought about the past and the present and the future—seeing it all through a juvenile idea that life is better with someone by my side. But then I had to stop myself. I had to bring myself back to reality and say a prayer of repentance and reminder that God is guiding my life, and that at this time He is guiding me as a solo chick—and that’s ok!

Ask Jesus to Fill the Holes

I smiled at the flightiness of my own feelings and asked Jesus to fill the holes in my heart. After all, He is the only One who really can anyways. So girls, hold on. The here and now as a single girl may not be the most exciting, and you may have days like me when all you want is to be held and called beautiful. But just know that there is One who does hold you and He does calls you beautiful. And He is waiting for you to realize that when nothing and no one is satisfying you, you can hold His hand.