Behind it All
There’s something that doesn’t really feel right about the way some guys expect us to just be gah gah over them at initial introductions, but in our day, that instinctive attraction to waiting and pursuing is suppressed. Easy is the cry of the day. Just be easy. Easy just might be the latest “style.” Sexual relationships are advertised like a new shampoo in modern magazines. Men are talked about like shoes: a different type for a different mood, and behind it all is this huge message that you, as a beautiful woman, are supposed to just be easy. But you aren’t.
Three Bad Theories
I sound pretty great and mighty when I say that you don’t have to be easy. Sometimes it feels like modern “dating” has totally buried the idea of having a sense of self-worth big enough to not be running through guys on dates like cars on a test drive. Not only that, but if we were honest, we’d admit that it seems impossible to have any hope for the future unless you catch up with this “easy breezy” trend. But this trend is actually a big fat lie. It’s made up of three fundamental misleading notions:
1. Being easy is the only way to really “find a guy”
2. Being easy is fun and easy to shrug off if he’s not “the one”
3. It makes you “cool”
There are a lot more, but these are the main things that our society uses to compel us into thinking that forming easy relational ties are okay.
The “only way” theory: This is the idea that you will only ever know if he’s the “one” by committing yourself to a full throttle relationship. In the first place, it’s impossible to ever know a person completely. Relationships will always develop and there’s always something new, so this idea that you can know everything about a man before committing to marriage is entirely misleading. This idea generally means that you don’t have strong boundaries emotionally, mentally, and physically. The problem with this is that God does have boundaries. And it’s not just about sex. He also has boundaries about the way you think about a guy and the way you interact with him. Follow these rules! And never forget that some things should remain “TBD: To Be Discovered.”
The: “You’ll get over it” theory: OK, we’ve all seen it: the girl in the movie meets a guy. They fall in “love” they make out, he breaks up, and she breaks down. But wait…this is where we see the parents come into the story or a strong friend who gives good advice on taking herself seriously and not being so easy, right? Eh…not exactly. Instead there are images of sobbing, boy-bashing girlfriends who go from wailing their hearts out to a shopping spree after less than 200 words or 2 minutes of film time. The idea: if things “fall out” with your Mr. Easy…don’t sweat it, you’ll get over it soon enough and before you know it, you’ll be shopping, eating ice cream, and moving on! Then the credits roll up the screen, and we walk away feeling like it’s not really that big of a deal after all. Once again, misleading social messages earn a point. Not true. Easy relationships have serious consequences that are not easy to deal with. The woman of Solomon’s Song warns us not to awaken love until love desires. She says this because she knows the consequences of untimely love: heartache, emotional ties, low self-esteem, and guilt. True, God can deliver us from these burdens, but if we follow His rules, we won’t have to deal with the pain. And God’s rule says to “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
The: “You will be officially cool” theory: A girl walks in, and the guys start laughing or whistling as she walks by. The rest of the girls roll their eyes or glare at her with envy. Word is she’s the latest “hottie” that has all the guys in turmoil. And what makes this “hottie” such a big deal?
Well, err, um…she’s good at it. Not a big secret. The girls with the skills get the guys. It’s embarrassing, but it’s true. Everywhere we’re affronted with this desire to be accepted and affirmed and for young women, it’s often determined by how easy a guy can “get them.” News about break ups and make-outs travel faster than a national catastrophe in our small world, and it’s an unfortunate reality that being flirtatious and a phone-number dispensing machine is the way to rule the cool throne.
There is no easy way to get around this. But I always look back on my experience in settings like public school and a secular community college or at my job. I wasn’t considered really “cool” but you know what I did receive? Respect. And that lasts longer than any short-lived glory from sexual prowess. Looks and skills will fade, but carrying yourself in an honorable way will earn you respect, both now and at that fifty-year reunion. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised (or respected)” (Proverbs 31:30).
If that doesn’t compel you right now, then consider this: in addition to the emotional stress and physical issues that come along with trying to earn this title is the painful reality that the affirmation you think your peers would give you if you were just “easy” is not satisfying at all. The people who think they’re so cool because of their popularity are just as empty as the rest of us. You cannot be affirmed in this way. God designed you to only be affirmed by His selfless love and by true love of others around you. So when people say having sex or going out with a different guy at every ball game, makes you cool, you can be sure that it absolutely, positively makes you nothing but hurt, stressed, and a target for ridicule and judgment. Don’t settle for that, reach for the affirmation in God’s love.
Not a relational vacation
Lastly, you don’t have to be easy because you are not designed to be someone’s relational vacation. In other words, God didn’t make your heart to be committed and then uncommitted. He made us to stick through it long term. Don’t let people make you their relational vacation, where they want to ride you for a few months, and then let you off when they find a new discount getaway. Commit yourself to waiting for true commitment. Commit yourself to not being easy.
